In a curious twist, a friend bought me coffee on the first day of my Lenten generosity practice! My first reaction was disappointment that I wasn’t able to be generous and treat her. But on the way home, I thought about this more and saw a different perspective.
Perhaps the ability to graciously receive what someone else gives is itself an act of generosity. Saying thank you with specific and heartfelt words of appreciation is itself a generous act. And expressing our pleasure in whatever they have given us is yet another aspect of that generosity of appreciation.
My friend buying me coffee is an unexpected treat, a message that someone cares about me enough to do something for me. It’s not dependent on the cost associated with the generosity, but the unexpectedness of it and the reminder that someone loves me. This gesture reminds me to savor not only the coffee but also the relationship. And to say this aloud!
When I think back on my acts of giving, it has made me very happy to know what I’ve done has been appreciated and valued. Although we don’t do acts of generosity for the resulting thank-you, being appreciated can increase the joy that comes from giving. Gracefully (and gratefully) receiving when someone offers generosity can also strengthen the connection in a relationship.
Every relationship has its balance between giving and receiving. I don’t always have to be the one who gives. In fact, I doubt it’s good for any relationship to have one person always give.
But sometimes, receiving is even harder than giving. I’m not sure exactly why this is true. I suspect it has something to do with not being in control. When we’re receiving, we’re more passive and vulnerable in the interchange.
Another reason it’s harder for me to receive is because receiving goes against my image of myself. I like to think of myself as the person who provides help, the one who gives. In accepting help from someone else, I have to be willing to be seen as not perfect, as someone who might be “needy.” This doesn’t get triggered when I accept a coffee, but it is likely when I receive other kinds of help. Although it can be difficult to admit, the ultimate truth is that we will all need help at some point in our lives. Learning this lesson now makes those times easier (for me and the people helping me).
Until now, I didn’t realize how attached I was to this image of myself. So, the gift of a special coffee came with another unexpected gift – increased self-awareness!
A Closing Prayer
Thank you, God, for all the many opportunities You have already provided me to be generous. And for all the generosity that I have received! As You open my eyes to ways I can practice generosity, it also helps me recognize the abundance already in my life and how often I receive other people’s generosity. And I see that both giving and receiving generosity are important skills to learn.
Amen.
Falling Up After 50 
thanks for your blog post!! thinking about “it’s harder for me to receive… because receiving goes against my image of myself” – isn’t this also true about accepting God’s love and forgiveness, whether because the accepting conflicts with our self image or because we feel unworthy? learning to accept small gifts (which doesn’t come naturally to me either) might be God’s way of helping us more readily accept His gifts, and in turn be more loving and forgiving to people in our lives…
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That’s a very interesting point. Our relationship with God is definitely one where we’re doing the receiving. And this helps explain why I often feel like I have to do something to ‘earn’ the gifts that God gives me. Thanks for sharing this insight!
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Well….you didn’t mind so much when your weighted vest was the advertised 8 pounds and mine was only 7 pounds. And how about that rice situation at Amherst during our yearbook class with Col Chicken? HUH HUH HUH??
Kidding aside, I am intrigued by your analysis about being the receiver and how uncomfortable that is for us control freaks. I never really analyzed it that way. I thought it was more about having to then extend the thank you (another action item on the list) despite the undeniable appreciation for the generosity. And/or the surprise that accompanies the unexpected generosity and not liking surprises (although, as I type, I realize this makes your point about control). Regardless, another thought-probing post. In an attempt to help increase your self-awareness on your Lenten journey, I will selflessly allow you to treat me to lunch the next time we meet in Putnam. It will be difficult for me, but it will be a sacrifice to help you grow emotionally and spiritually. No need to thank me.
I do love you and am so flipping grateful for you in my life, Tacky.
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LOL – apparently there are SOME situations where I feel I am totally entitled to what I receive! And I will be happy to further both of our spiritual developments by buying you lunch next time we get together (although I’m skeptical that you will actually let me do that when the moment comes to pull out the cash for the check…).
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Being the receiver can be hard for us control freaks? Oh yes!
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My husband Pete and I have also found that letting people give to us can, believe it or not, be a form of sacrifice. Doing so can mean surrendering our illusions of self-sufficiency, while at the same time giving others a chance to feel good about themselves. When Pete and I were both recuperating from hospital stays in the same month, friends and relatives were quick to offer various kinds of help. Our first impulse was to say, “We’re fine. We don’t need anything.” Instead, our cancer support group facilitator suggested, “Let them help.” The result was several delicious meals delivered to our door at a time when neither of us felt up to cooking.
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Great insight on giving up “our illusions of self-sufficiency.” That is so true! It sounds like you had a very wise facilitator. And kudos to you for accepting that advice and acting on it. I bet it was a wonderful gift to your friends to be able to help you when you really needed it and they could make a difference.
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