Discernment Foundations: Self-Awareness

In the previous post on discernment foundations, I examined the need to hear God and determine if we’re being drawn toward God or away from God (consolation vs. desolation). The next foundational aspect of discernment is our self-awareness.

An advantage of undertaking a discernment process as an older adult is that we have had more time to develop our self-awareness! And self-awareness is an important component of the discernment process in several aspects.

First, it’s much easier to detect when we’re in consolation or desolation if we know how these states typically feel for us. It’s helpful to understand the general characteristics of these states, but with reflection, you can see the specific pattern that typically appears in your life.

For instance, desolation can take the form of boredom and apathy or increased worry and agitation. I tend to slide into worry and fear, eventually leading to increased self-centeredness (anxiety around keeping myself and my family safe and protected), which shuts down any inclination towards generosity (because I fear that I need all my resources to keep my family safe!). Once I realize this is my typical experience of desolation, I can recognize it sooner. Your tendencies may differ from mine, but they will likely be predictable once you identify them.

Second, it’s helpful to recognize our typical behavior patterns related to making decisions. This allows us to fine-tune the discernment process specifically for our own use. For example, do you typically rush to a decision? The decision process requires sitting with discomfort. An unresolved decision is uncomfortable, so there can be a tendency to rush through it. Conversely, you may cope with this discomfort by doing extended data gathering and putting off the actual decision because you never feel you have enough information to decide.

Recognizing these tendencies can help you manage the discernment process better – maybe you need to slow things down and allow yourself a generous amount of time before making a decision (i.e., I’ll spend at least two weeks in discernment, trying to keep an open mind, before making a final decision). Or, you may need to give yourself a deadline (i.e., I will spend no more than two weeks in discernment before making a decision).

Third, how do you involve others in the decision-making process? Is it something you do solely on your own? Do you have other people you talk with about your decision-making process? I don’t think there’s only one right way of doing this, but considering whether your usual process works well for you can be helpful.

For instance, talking with a spiritual director or trusted friend (ideally, one with no stake in the decision) often gives me a different perspective I have yet to consider. I tend to keep it all in my head, but I’ve learned that explaining my thought process and getting feedback from someone I trust often helps me see things more clearly. (Ignatius also cautions us that a desire to keep something secret is likely a temptation from the false spirit, and recognizing this desire should make us immediately take steps in the opposite direction.)

There are other aspects of our behavior where self-awareness can help us navigate the discernment process. These can include how you handle change (do you avoid it whenever possible or do you rush into change seeking novelty or escape?), how you deal with conflict (do you avoid any confrontation if at all possible, or do you like the emotional charge that comes from heated discussions?) and many others. Self-awareness of your particular triggers or behavior patterns can help you see the reality of situations more clearly and, therefore, navigate the discernment process more effectively.

A Closing Prayer

God, becoming more self-aware can be a difficult and painful process! I’d rather not acknowledge or revisit some of my past actions and decisions. Identifying my ingrained behaviors and habits can quickly lead to shame at my actions or despair that I can never change. However, I trust that seeing my behavior patterns clearly and accepting them as who I currently am is the first step to moving forward. Guide me through this process so that I learn from my past but don’t wallow in it.

Amen