Staying Awake with Suffering?

The final week of Lent is an emotionally difficult time for me (and I’m sure I’m not the only one). I know the culmination is Easter and the resurrection, but Holy Thursday and Good Friday are so emotionally taxing that I find it hard to stay mindfully engaged on those days.

The Catholic Church treats these three chronological days together as one liturgical day – the unfolding of the paschal mystery. This year I realized how wise that approach is since, without this perspective, I’m likely to get caught in the Good Friday despair at how brutal, insensitive, and heartless the world can be. I am always tempted to rush through Holy Thursday and Good Friday, doing a minimum of reflection. But since my theme this year is attentiveness and staying awake, I’m being more mindful of this tendency and trying to stay present for all of it.

These days inevitably make me dwell on suffering. I don’t understand why God allows suffering in the world. Obviously, this is one of the great questions of every religion, and I’m not the first to want an answer. Theologians throughout history have contemplated this question and come up with different responses. But everything I’ve read on this topic leaves me without a tidy, satisfying answer. So I’ve come to the disappointing conclusion that I’ll never understand this mystery.

All I know is that there is suffering in the world, and there is also a God who loves us. Both of these are true. And I’m left with a paradox that is beyond my understanding. So what do we do? My only answer to that perplexing question is that we experience it all, knowing God is always with us.

We have to stay awake during times of suffering, times of joy, and everything in between. Because God made us human, and we’re here to experience this particular life we’re given. And if we’re not paying attention, we’ll sleepwalk through our life, and then it will be gone. There will be a life for us in the Kingdom of God after death, but there has to be a reason why we have a physical, earthly existence before that. And I don’t believe it’s just one big test for us to endure to see who gets into heaven.

I acknowledge that this perspective is coming from a privileged life situation. I do not have to fight for my continued survival daily, and my life is comfortable with many options under my control. But no one escapes some suffering.

From staying awake to my suffering (as much as I can manage – everything in my brain wants just to escape it), I can see that some goodness comes with that awareness. I would never say that it’s a fair trade for the suffering, but my suffering makes me kinder, more compassionate, and more empathetic to the suffering of others. It makes me want to eliminate everyone else’s suffering, and therefore I’m more likely to actually show up and do something when I see someone in need. It makes me more aware that suffering is easier to bear when we have people who love us who reach out (with some form of physical help or just understanding and love to accompany us). It makes me realize that God is ok with me being angry about suffering and what I see as God’s willingness to allow it.

But in the end, I don’t have any answers. And I’m not happy about that. Sometimes I’m downright furious with God about it. But I always come back to the basic trust I have in God. I know that I have only a limited perspective (on everything) and am willing to admit that since I can’t see God’s plans, I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. So that’s where I end up, time after time. I wish I had better answers to share and could assure you that you won’t have to suffer if you are a good person. But it doesn’t seem to work that way. Instead, I can only offer my belief that God just wants us to stay awake and in relationship, even when we’re furious at the world’s apparent unfairness, suffering, and sorrow.

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Suggestions for Further Reflection

If you feel inclined, here are some questions to reflect on this week. (But it’s ok if you prefer not to dwell on this topic further. This was a difficult post to write, and I’m ready to be done too.)

• Have there been situations in your life you have judged as totally horrible in the moment, but now you realize they have brought some unexpected blessings? (It’s ok if you still don’t think the price you paid for those blessings was worth going through the suffering. Also, some situations are as horrible and pointless in retrospect as they felt in the moment. Not everything has a positive side.)
• Have you ever paid attention to how you deal with the difficult feelings of Holy Thursday and Good Friday? Like me, do you attempt to rush through them? (There’s no need to change anything, but awareness of how you’re reacting can be good.)

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A Blessing for When You’re Suffering

Suffering can seem noble in the abstract, but there is nothing noble about it when you’re actually suffering. It’s the only thing you can feel, and you’re terrified that it will continue forever. During these moments, we need God’s grace to keep going.

When you’re suffering, may you feel the presence of God close to you, holding and supporting you. Especially when you feel alone and afraid.

May you have someone you love to keep you company. To give you a moment of respite when it gets too hard to bear alone. To listen to your thoughts, doubts, and fears.

May you be awake enough to recognize moments of grace and beauty, even in the suffering. The way the sunlight warms your face. The comfort of holding a warm cup of tea. A hot, delicious bowl of soup to sustain you. The faithful presence of your pet by your side. An unexpected card from a friend. The shockingly neon green sprouts of new plant life that appear in spring to remind you that life is constant growth and change, and this, too, shall pass.

Amen.